Witticisms in Passing

From Chicon 2000

• “Watch what you say around me—I may write it down.”
• Overheard in the huxters’ room: “Failure is not an option. It comes built into the software.”

From the Pendragons meeting 2001–04–01

• Diane’s ‘Gzit’ camera.
• Burping a baby may be hard in micro-gravity.
  • The gas in the baby’s stomach can’t come to the top of the liquid where it can easily be expelled.
  • This is similar to the thinking that carbonated beverages, including beer, are contraindicated in micro-g.

From the Pendragons meeting 2001–05–20

Jennifer: “Thou shalt love thy daily life.”

Seen 2001–05–12

• In the rear window of a pickup
  • Behind the driver, a sticker, “Coca-Cola collector”.
  • Behind the passenger, Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) pissing on a Pepsi logo.

Said about an artist who was on a Junkyard Wars team (heard at lunch 2001–08–02)

“He has a powerful ego, and an emergency backup ego in case the first one deflates.”

Gober’s own thought (based on a line in The World in the Middle)

• A good name for a femme fatale: Silky Mantrap.
• Of course, it also sounds like a porno star….

Gober’s pseudo-quote from The Wizard of Oz

IGAFWAIKA: I’ve got a feeling we aren’t in Kansas anymore.

From the Cedar Rapids’ SF Readers group meeting 2002–03–08

• “Can I snow your globe?”
  • The hostess has a collection of snow globes. One person thought it polite to ask before snowing her globe.
• “He’s a complete wacko, and an enabler, too.”

From Demicon 2002 (3–5 May 2002)

“I was in deep, dark sleep deprivation.” Sleep deprivation as a place?

While reading Dick Francis’s Hot Money

• At one point, I thought one of the (British) characters should respond, “Sod off.” (He didn’t.) Then I realized that that sounds like ‘sawed off’, as in an illegally shortened shotgun.
• “Your son is a careful, cautious sort.” “Yes, he’s cautious like an astronaut.”

From A&E’s movie The Lost World (based on the novel by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

Professor Challenger (played by Bob Hoskins): “I don’t know if there is a God, but I do know Man is no substitute if there isn’t.”

From Icon 27, 2002–10–18 through −20

• “Extruded fantasy product”.
  • ‘Orange’ Mike Lowry in the audience at the panel “Will Commercialism Spoil Tolkien’s Legacy?”.
  • He’s referring to the innumerable unworthy Tolkienesque knockoffs that are published.
• “Oh, good, I’m not hung over. I just don’t have my glasses on.”
  • Andy Weaver (Icon president emeritus — but not on the ConCom this year), overheard on the elevator mid-morning on Sunday, the last day of the con.

From the January 2003 Reader’s Digest, p 119

Warren Buffett: “I believe in leaving [my kids] enough so they can do anything, but not enough so they can do nothing.”

From Demicon 14, 2–4 May 2003

During the dead-dog party, there were severe problems in getting a laptop PC to talk to a projection monitor for the slide show.

People kept saying that the display looked like the (infamous) Windows Blue Screen of Death.

It wasn’t really the BSOD, which prompted some wag to say that it was really the “Turquoise Screen of a Really Bad Cough.”

Dave Martin, near Clear Lake, Iowa, 2003–05–22

“There’s nothing wrong with the dark. It just gets in your eyes so you can’t see.”

From the Pendragons meeting 2003–06–01

• Jennifer: “Cat of the Most Fragrant Tail.”
  • Mickey’s cat Butterfree (name from Pokémon) was walking on the back of the sofa where I was sitting and caressing my head with its tail.
• Matt: “Rabbits are the enemy.” (Concerning soybean farming)
• Mickey: “Rightify.”

From the comic strip “Tina’s Groove” in the 2003–06–06 Gazette

“It’s hard for me to find a girlfriend, Tina. Girls go for the cool guys — the hot guys. I’m room-temperature.”

From the movie Hollywood Homicide

Joe Gavilan (Harrison Ford) during foreplay with his girlfriend Ruby: “If I take my gingko, I can remember where I put my Viagra.”

Observation by Hal Clement at Conestoga 2003, in Tulsa, Oklahoma

• “We’re not carbon-based life-forms. We’re hydrogen-based.”
  • Carbon just provides the backbone for terrestrial organic molecules. It’s the hydrogen attached to the molecules that make organic chemistry work.
  • For a story set on a planet almost devoid of hydrogen, he designed life that really uses carbon chemistry, mostly buckyballs and buckytubes.

From Lois McMaster Bujold’s The Curse of Chalion

The dowager provincara of Baocia: “How is it you bend an archdivine?”
Cazaril (who’s become an unwilling saint…): “I pull rank.”

From the Pendragons meeting 2003–09–07

• From two stories brought to the session: Take a gesture or attitude from one’s father.
• Matt Moody had seen a television report about somebody who deep-fries Twinkies. Some wag called them ‘culinary weapons of mass destruction’.

From the movie Freaky Friday with Jamie Lee Curtis

• “That’ll get us a seventy-two-hour lockdown in a psych ward and a thorazine drip.”
  • Psychiatrist Tess Coleman (Curtis’s character), on what will happen if she and her daughter tell anyone that they switched bodies.

While reading William K. Hartmann’s Traveler’s Guide to Mars p. 302

• The Mariner 9 team was talking about what “we” would do when the probe arrived at Mars.
  • “(Spacecraft scientists and engineers always talk as if they themselves are out there in space, not just our robotic probe.)”

At the Godfreys’ Pagan Rituals 2003–10–04

• To Stan Smith: “Is there a hyphen in ‘anal-retentive’?” Stan: “I know there’s a hyphen in it.”
• “Be modest, and be damned proud of it.”
• Bill Caldwell, to the hostess Heidi Godfrey: “Every time I come to visit your house, there are babies here. Why is that?”
  • The answer: He visits only for the annual Pagan Rituals, when lots of people are there and are encouraged to bring their kids.

From ICON 2003–10–10 through −12.

• “Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts.”
• A bowl with condoms and mints: “Condiments.”
• “When my wife turns forty, I’d like to trade her in for two twenties — but I’m not wired for 220.”

From Thanksgiving weekend 2003

• “Intense, ultraviolet smile”. (From a story in Analog (?))
• “Some people would rather bitch than switch.” (Glen Gober)

Overheard in WalMart 2003–12–06 Saturday

• “We’ve been here twenty minutes. That’s about a half-hour too long.”

Seen on a bumper sticker on 2004–01–09 Friday

Pro-accordion & I vote!

Heard at the EISEF board meeting 2004–02–09 Monday

A place for old folks to live: “Apartments for 55 or better.”

Reported at EISEF 2004 (2004–03–20) by Robert Meegan, Junior Teams Division Lead

One middle school girl to another: “Oh my God, I just saw my mom and dad go into Victoria’s Secret!”

From Demicon, 2004–04–30 through −05–02

A t-shirt for sale in the dealers’ room: “Perky Goth: Put the romance back in necromancy”

Cedar Rapids Gazette 2004–07–08, Ken Hoffman’s review of Coke’s (low-carb) C2

“C2 is targeted to thirsty carb counters who have sworn off high-sugar, high-carb Coca-Cola Classic but can’t bring themselves to switch to Diet Coke. They just don’t like the taste and, even worse, the after-taste of diet soft drinks. I never understood what’s wrong with after-taste, either. I consider it a two-fer.”

From Wil McCarthy’s Lab Notes (http://www.scifi.com/sfw/issue271/labnotes.html) on SciFi.com

The situation gets even worse when we consider the layers of statistical abstraction the Princeton team applies to their numbers, before the patterns become visible. There’s an old saying in scientific circles: “If you torture the data enough, it will confess.”

Seen on a t-shirt at the Godfreys’ Pagan Rituals 2004–10–02

“I am not infantile, you stinky-butt poop-head.”

The final exchange in the movie The Professionals

J.W. Grant (played by Ralph Bellamy): “You bastard!”
Henry ‘Rico’ Fardan (Lee Marvin): “In my case an accident of birth, but you, sir, are a self-made man.”

Passed on to me at lunch 2005–02–24

What do engineers use for birth control? Their personality.

From Gamefest 2005–05–12 through −14

• “What does ‘YFO’ stand for?” “You’ll Find Out.”
• Witty slogan during the startup for a game
  • Bill Gober’s original: “Yesterday was a good day to die. Today, on the other hand, sucks.”
  • After several mods: “Yesterday was a good day to die. Today I’m feeling rather poofy.”

From the Straight Dope for 2005–06–10 (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/050610.html)

“missing a few teeth off the main sprocket”

From the Risks Forum Digest 2005–06–29 (http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/23.92.html#subj10)

“This press release makes an IT journo’s job look rather like shooting fin tuna in a barrel. Using cluster bombs.”

Seen in the Building 125 Lab 2005–06–29

“Did you ever notice that when you put the words ‘the’ and ‘IRS’ together you get ‘theirs’?”

From Demicon 16, 2005–07–29 through −31

• “Oh, that’s tomorrow’s paper—I mean yesterday’s.”
  • Andy Weaver, bleary in the consuite on Sunday morning, talking about Saturday’s newspaper.
• Amazing fact: John Schlosser pointed out to me, and I later confirmed, that Ian Fleming (of James Bond fame) wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which was published shortly before his death. When I challenged John about this he said, “I swear to God this is true.” I told him that carried no weight, because I know he’s an agnostic….

Seen on a bumper sticker in Mankato, Minnesota on 2005–10–07 Friday

“If you can’t operate your turn signals, what makes you think you can operate the rest of the car?”

From Icon, 2005–10–28 through −30

• During the Opening Ceremonies, the Trans-Iowa Canal Company (TICC) skit had a very cute girl who moved the props and furniture around the stage. Early in the skit she wore a sign “Prop-Tart”.
• At the panel on the Matrix movies, they noted the movies’ obvious religious themes. One panelist said that the character Morpheus was a Bill the Baptist figure, when he meant John the Baptist.
• One entry in the Vogon poetry contest was titled, “Ode to my left [censored for national security reasons]”. The audience laughed long and hard at the title; it was a couple of minutes before the reader could continue with the poem itself.

From the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding

Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts): “I’m pond scum. Well, lower actually. I’m like the fungus that feeds on pond scum.”
Michael O’Neill (Dermot Mulroney): “Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum. On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. It’s pretty flattering.”
Julianne: “Except it makes me fungus.”

From Demicon, 2006–07–28 through −30

John Schlosser: “Mental floss.”

From the comic strip “Get Fuzzy” in the 2006–08–06 Gazette

Satchel the dog, about Bucky the cat: “He’s one of those paths…an um…a psychopath.”
Rob Wilco the human: “Dude, he’s a psycho boulevard.”

From the TV show Mythbusters, the myth “Shattering Subwoofer”, aired 2006–08–16

“Excess, and lots of it.”

From ICON 2006–10–13 through −15.

“How is Halloween like Christmas? 31 Oct = 25 Dec.”

From “Double Dead”, Analog December 2006.

“… I’d hate to think that Amanda McBey was that evil on the inside.”
“Yeah, the classic looker with a heart of mold….”

From Dead Beat (aka Book 7 of the Dresden Files) by Jim Butcher

Harry Dresden has just found out that the line between black magic and white isn’t as sharp and clear as he thought.…

From Demicon, 2007–05–18 through −20

Rod Serling, on the difference between science fiction and fantasy:

From Proven Guilty (aka Book 8 of the Dresden Files) by Jim Butcher

On page 389, the wizard hero, Harry Dresden, offers this explanation for something he just did during major combat in Faerie

Seen on a t-shirt for sale at ICON 2007–11–02 through −04.

“Duct tape: it’s not just for the bedroom anymore.”

From Analog January/February 2008.

From “The Purloined Labradoodle” by Barry Longyear

Then there’s “Conversations with My Knees” by Ron Goulart.

From The Armies of Memory by John Barnes

On page 185, talking about the “wild early decades” of the Office of Special Projects under its first director, Kiel:

On page 193, it’s the year 2846, and the hero Giraut Leones is contemplating a beach on his home planet Wilson, which orbits the star Arcturus:

From Small Favor (aka Book 10 of the Dresden Files) by Jim Butcher

On page 346, the wizard hero, Harry Dresden, has been captured by Tessa, a very evil and dangerous opponent. Dresden gives a warning to the rest of his party, then:

Discovered (2009–12–08) on the web as the sigline for various posters

We poison our air and water to weed out the weak! We set off nuclear bombs in our only biosphere! We nailed our god to a stick! We’re the human race! Don’t fuck with us!

Quoted (2010–01–09) on TV Tropes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FriendToAllLivingThings)

I’ll be good. How good?

• Evil folk will choke on their own bile and die — making me the winner by default.
• I will be my own light source.
• Unicorns will file an official protest. As will rainbows and puppies.

Seen (2010–10–04) on TV Tropes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DeathWorld)

Talking about Earth:

From the movie Dragnet (1987)

Friday: Can you tell me how much a monthly run of your “magazine” is worth?
Jerry Caesar: Well, let’s just say it’s more money than you’ll ever see in your life. And I do that every month.
Friday: At least my money is clean.
Jerry Caesar: Tell you what you can do, Friday, before you go home and start polishing your pennies. Why don’t you go out there and get my magazines back on the stands where they belong?
Friday: Listen, hotshot. I’m gonna tell you something right now. I don’t care for you or for the putrid sludge you’re troweling out. But until they change the laws and put you sleaze kings out of business, my job is to help you get back your stench ridden boxes of smut. And since I’ll be doing it holding my nose, I’ll be doing it with one hand.

Seen on a single car (2011–06–12):

• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
• BUCKLE UP! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.

Seen (2014–01–21) on Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-facts-everyone-gets-wrong-about-depression_p2/)

• Admittedly, the Daily Mail is such low-hanging fruit that it’s practically a potato.

From Analog June 2014.

From “The Homecoming” by J.T. Sharrah, describing the Kazunorian waterfront:

Seen (2015–01–12) on the TV series Dollhouse:

Adelle DeWitt, head of the Los Angeles Dollhouse, describing the ethical situation there:

David Gerrold, author guest of honor at ICON 40, 16–18 October 2015:

• He was on a panel “The Philosophy of [Star] Trek”. The panel organizer and moderator lionized Gene Roddenberry; David’s reaction to this: “I rolled my eyes so far up I could see the bottom of my brain.”

Seen (2019–02–19) on Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/article_26033_6-real-life-conspiracies-crazier-than-anything-in-movies.html)

Talking about conspiracies espoused by Lyndon LaRouche:

Seen (2021–02–18) in the Dilbert comic strip:

Dilbert: “Wow. My Apple stock just went up 1.5%.”
Dogbert: “I sold all of my bitcoin to acquire Greenland.”
Dilbert: “I didn’t know it was for sale.”
Dogbert: “It wasn’t, but luckily a mercenary army was.” (Notice that Dogbert didn’t say he bought Greenland….)

Seen (2022–05–16) on the Straight Dope Message Board

Seen (2023–07–04) on YouTube

The movies Barbie and Oppenheimer will both premier (in the U.S.) on 2023–07–21. This coincidence has, to date, inspired three mash-up trailers.

• Barbieheimer (Barbie + Oppenheimer)
• Barbieheimer Trailer | The Barbie x Oppenheimer Mash-Up
• “BARBENHEIMER” Trailer : Barbie x Oppenheimer